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It is not the romance part that is difficult, it is the LIVING part that is difficult...
Community life is never easy. It is never easy for me now in my own family. 

Finances, communication, fidelity, sex, housechores, work, kids, personality and habits differences, religion so forth are important areas to build on. It is never easy. It is hard work and suffering. 

My little chat with Bro Terrence about community living made me realise one thing.

If i choose to make a commitment to serve God by the vocation of marriage, i will need to cope with living with my spouse habits, lifestyles, weird idiosyncrasies. It will not be easy to accept him unconditionally as he is. It takes prayer, patience and communication to settle out the rough patches.

If i am called to serve God in matrimony, i only ask Him to give me someone peaceful to live with. Hopefully, he is not too difficult to stay in the same house with me.

Marriage is for a span of a lifetime. It is easy to find myself fall in the hands of a wrong partner. I need God to help me find a mature partner- someone who has discerned well his call for the marital life. I must be able to live with this person in the same roof for the rest of my life.

If it's already too difficult in dating, then leave before stepping to the altar.

 I don't like to talk to hypocrites. They never mean they say. Often, there is a flip side to the whole story. Unfortunately, i have one in my family. 

Silence and absence could be the best gift for her.

 
I used to call myself a hopeless romantic. 

Now? No more.

It is good to have romance to spice the relationship. But it is a tough call in a long-term relationship to balance a spouse as a best friend, colleague, and sexual partner. 

After the honeymoon period of a relationship, well, romance dies. In my opinion, men should take a the initiative to invite their spouses to cuddle when the romance period has come to a standstill.

Unfortunately, men are in built with a flaw. It is called "forgetfulness". Men can forget to give romance. So women have to ASK for it. How unromantic. Maybe that is why God created a higher sex drive in men. Quite smart. 

So does it help to be a hopeless romantic right in the beginning of a relationship? Me thinks no. I think romance has a stronger place in marriage than in pre-marriage dating. 

Having too much hopeless romantic tales right in pre-marriage dating is no good. It only loses the reality of a working relationship between man and wife.

 
When my family argues with me, they mean nothing. When people try to stir up things, the best thing to do is to give them the cold, silent treatment or walk away. 

They argue, i don't argue= No problems. They argue, i argue= war. 

When people argue, they think they have won. They want to have their way. Ok, give it. The one losing the argument might be a wiser one by shutting up.

I don't understand why people have to say dirty words to their dirty mouths to say dirty things to other people. What good does it do for themselves or others?

Young people and even my parents are so crude with their words. Why must words like "Fu&k you!" even exist? Why people are so angry with words these days. Can't they face the music with effective communication? Or are they just too chicken to face confrontations/resolutions with the one they have conflicts with? 

I am actually disappointed with my parents for their example. 

What has the society come to? Parents teaching children to say "Fu*k you!" Tell me, if you are a parent, would you teach that to your child? Most will say no. 

My parents have said profane words against each other and against their children. Is it right to call them hypocrites?!

The tongue can be a destructive part of the body. It is better to look at people when we have conflicts and not say anything. Unless necessary. Still, silence is very powerful. That's what Boni taught me. 

Conflicts. Best to shut up my mouth. Talk to 2 or 3 people who's more mature and bring them along to face the music amicably. 

If there is no resolution, leave the situation. Pray about it. 

 
Father Abraham is the author of Learning to Love. A portal for teenagers and adults about the truths of dating, sexual issues and relationships. 

He is a father to six children. 

Having informed of his profile as an educator of 26 years in tertiary education made my heart skipped a beat. Immediately, i thought, "gosh, i got to be careful of my actions!"

So when i met him with Daniel, i felt like i am meeting a supervisor who is checking on my work. I kind of lost myself when i had my chicken rice. I spew some bits of rice and once, lost control of the spoon i was holding. 

Father Abraham shared with me his views of marriage. Throughout the meeting, i think the catch i got from him was this...

"People these days get into marriages and relationships, primarily for the pleasure of the accompaniment they get from the other partner. But if you and your partner will to go into marriage and say.. ok, i am marrying to this person because i am making a decision to do good for the other person and our children together. Well then, you are ready for marriage"

Now honestly, i have not come to the question if i have decided to want to do good for the other person. It is a decision, no longer a feeling. 

I need more time for contemplation of Father Abraham's wisdom. 

A year ago, my criteria for a guy would be on the basis of how this person makes me feel. He's got to be easy-going and a good conversationalist. He has got to be 5 years and older than i am. I must feel comfortable with him. 

But wait, what is the point of dating if you are dating for the sake of USING this person for your own good feelings and entertainment? What if, the criteria you set to see in partner is fulfilled, but he lacks the desire to want to go a step further, making a decision to say "Yes, for good times and in bad, i will still work for the good of the other person." 

Problem is, in my society now, where can i ever find guys with such wisdom? Most are looking at superficial criteria of looks, and the enjoyment of being together and having the same hobbies. These are the guys, waiting, waiting and still waiting for the perfect one to come. Talk only, no action. They chicken out at the thought of commitment in marriage. The thought of wanting to do good for the other never cross their minds. Unfortunately, such relationships will fall out of success. Once the honeymoon period is gone, there is nothing special to talk about, the relationship dies, in the short run. But if the understanding of both partner is, ok.. we are making a decision to do good for the other partner for a life time, the affectionate feelings can come by later in engagement, little by little, everyday. The latter, i think, has got better stamina to run for in a marathon. 

Months ago, i came an understanding that some men will not mature, even in their thirties. A supper fellowship with sponsor, Anita, reaffirmed my thinking. 

Now, this "doing good for the other person" has got to be mutual. Who will want to do good for me? This is a question i will need to ask God. 

I thank the Lord for bringing Boni and Father Abraham to share about their views of sex and marriage. Boni is especially open with people about the topic of sex. Both have a common purpose to inculcate young catholics about moral and righteous view of sex. The future generation of teaching others about righteous sex and marriage lies in young catholics' hands. I guess both view themselves having a responsibility to impart their perspective to singles and young married couples. 

Now, its great for young catholics like me to have a mentor/ guide to share with me their honest perspective about sex. Potentially, they make great witnesses for my marriage. And the ones coming forward to share with me are the men! I hope that a lady could come to share with me her wisdom and experiences. 

I guess i am still not ready for the generosity to have children as many as the Lord wishes to give me. I need time to ponder through.

 
Some people possess a heart of bitterness and anger. They are like tigers ready to pounce, attack and take revenge on a prey in the dark. 
The one i know does not have to show her bitterness through action. It is obvious, it's through her voice. 

 
As humans, before we judge or accuse others, we should look upon ourselves and ask if we do have a right to judge them. If we can't see the bigger picture of the other person, perhaps it is not right to judge. 

Sadly, we get judge by people all the time. Many times, we judge others without realising it ourselves. Judging others is a sin. So we are all sinners - unclean. 

I am aware of people watching my blog eyeing on the next blog entry. Their purpose is to catch me on the things i say and accuse me of my wrongdoings. Truth is, i don't read other's people's blogs often. Truth is, i don't read people's blogs if they don't make sense to me at all. Currently, i only read Daniel's blog. I don't have time to nosey pose other people's blogs. I am no taiwan talkshow celebrity. I wonder why people are so interested in my life. Sometimes i just wish they will never visit my blog at all.

Gee, this sounds like Jesus with the Pharisees always constantly trying to watch him and catch on the things He does. So there are i have it, Pharisees in my life.

I blog here because i am discerning a vocation in marriage, single life and religious life. I blog here because of my faith in God and my strong advocate to Humane Vitae or Theology of the Body. 

Most important, i blog to help the church spread the Good News of Sex and Marriage, in the moral and righteous sense. It does not mean i blog so much about marriage that i have a desire to get married someday. I might be called to a nun or live singly my entire life. At present, i am completely joyful with my vocation in education and my community life with the charismatics, sponsors and neophytes.

God has his mysterious ways. If it is His Will for me to get married, someday i'll meet a partner who will join me in a crusade to tell others about JPII's Theology of the Body. The best part is, we live out the teachings in the Theology of the Body. This is not the year to have a special relationship with someone. There is a time and place of everything. I think God knows my priorities. He give gifts at the right time. As compared to the past where i do have a fear in commitment, well now, it is a different picture. I am much more confident than before. I have no fear to self-give. 

I lead a happy, righteous life. I think it is all that matters to me a person. 

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Come 29 years of age, i think there i will embark on one of these big three vocations i would land myself with

1) Image consulting
2) Fashion boutique
3) Degree in social work. Doing social work is actually doing the Lord's work. I don't mind. 

 

Two persons can get married and yet live through an unrighteous marriage filled with unhappiness. 

So a false judgment by someone saying i am an unexperienced, unloving person does not mean i don't mean i do not have a joy-filled life. Truth is, everyone has the ability to form relationships with anybody and be able to love. For myself, i don't need a partner to be happy. I am still happy as a single. What is important to me now, at 24, is a community i can share myself with in friendship with others. I need friends who can be themselves.I need a huge group of them. The more the better. Here is a note of progress so far - i have met so many new ones in the previous week.

I appreciate the Catholic med guild people, three doctors, and some others from different professions,  who are all Catholic, young working adults and single. I appreciate them for their friendship because i see myself in them. 

As i write about the vocation of marriage, i am aware i might be called to continue to live life as a single or become a religious. It is true we pay for a choice/consequence we make. Living life as a single or religious is less complicated to married life. There is more freedom to love others without binding ourselves to a written contract. If i live life as a married person, i know i would have to suffer much more than a nun or a single woman. If i marry, i want to marry the righteous, christian way. Marrying the wrong person is the worst nightmare. I wouldn't want to relive a tale of my parents. I believe in true fidelity.

Actually marrying Christ is not that bad too. No worries of money. No sorrows. Absence of worldly desires. Bound to have tons of friends. It is a much more peaceful life. What i dread about being a nun is to wear a habit. If i don't have to wear uniforms, i don't mind being a sister. Being a nun is a relaxing life. Life for nuns everyday is a holiday. No need to work in society. People are less hypocritical too. 

I think there will come a time i will go discern the vocation of the religious. I think it will be 4 years from now. 

For now at the present time, i am discerning the vocation of marriage. I can't wait to speak to john ooi. 
Righteous, christian marriage of two persons close to God = Less trouble!

For now, i rejoice being happy with a community. I am no less being single. I am not alone. I have the Lord and tons of friends. 

 
I eagerly anticipate to meet John Ooi, who has six children, on Tuesday. Well, i would wish to learn from him how he manages his time with the work and his large family.

Like Daniel, Stella, The CMG guys(all single men and women and young working adults) and myself, we have one thing in common. We think Theology of the Body makes sense!

John is a strong advocator of family life. I wish to hear what he has to say. 

 
The word "Catholic" means Universal. As a Catholic, it is ok to learn about other faiths. I don't worship their God, because i would committing a sin of heresy.

So i dropped by Kong Ming San Temple to take a tour in their temple. The buddhists teaches patience through meditation. Similarly, i cultivated my own patience with hours of silent prayer. 

There are people who say, "My patience has a limit!." Well, if so, they are not patient at all. Patience is not about giving up suffering, attacks or pains. Patience is all enduring, it has no limit. 

no longer in livejournal

 
One sentence was done to heightened the senses of sin and to protect the abode. But it turned out gravely wrong and disrespectful. Darth Vader just couldn't accept Truth. In the end, i got myself into Vader's attacks. I shouldn't have done it. It become a problem. Good thing, Bad thing, Can't Say.

I was in the fighting ring with Vader. It was most massive WWF match ever in my life. 

There Vader was, fuming. I went to Vader to allow myself to be a punching bag. I took it. I deserve it. I felt like Vader was the mighty WWF winner taking all his energy to take out on me. He was mighty but weak in the heart and mind. I was weak but strong in the heart. 

"You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.' But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you." (Matthew 5:38-42, NIV) 

That's what i did. 

Vader was fuming. He opened the door. I was prepared. I walked straight to Vader and got what i should deserve. I volunteered myself to be a punching bag. I was beaten, attacked but came out happy and fine. I took that suffering with Joy. I gave vader my face on one side and i turned my face on the other side to be mocked. I volunteered my buttocks and vader mocked me with a rod. I gave my body and vader pushed me. It was a massive WWF match with me losing. But I didn't lose my dignity. I didn't cry because relationships are never perfect. What is the point of crying. Prayer gave me a strong heart to endure the attacks.

When vader stopped the match, i asked if there is anything else. I took it. I deserve it. I sinned against Vader. I forgive Vader and i forgive myself. I ask God for forgiveness. 

Good thing, Bad thing. Can't Say. Anyway, it has passed. Move on. I won't give myself problems anymore.

Lesson learnt: Everyone has their characters and beliefs. Perhaps, silence is the best love we can give to a person. Not everyone can accept Christ. Not everyone knows how to forgive. People's lives gets messed up if they don't give themselves to prayer and bible. Christ's children can be at polar ends with others. Others may not understand Christ's children way of living and get themselves hurt with a lot of unforgiveness in the heart. Good people with Good intentions can get attacks from others who have evil thoughts of them. So, Good thing, bad thing. Can't Say. 

Oh yes, not everyone knows how to dissolve their anger fully. Some people will never change. It will never be cured. Some people will never take the step to get it cured. They can keep their hot temper throughout their lives till death. Some people don't even bother to cure it. That is what i learnt today. We have got to live with them.

 
Since i fell into depression last year, i have been spending almost one hour everyday with the Lord. Most of the time, i would be praying, crying, talking to the Lord about life. The best place to spend time with the Lord is in the adoration room. 

Every time i open the door of adoration room, i know i am going to spend one to three hours with the Lord. I bring along my cushion mat and place it on the floor. The air con and the dim lights made the adoration room the perfect place for prayer. As i postulate to the Blessed Sacrament, i thank the Lord for His Presence. Sometimes, i don't postulate at all. For me, it is ok not to postulate. Prayer to me, is about my feelings, not about empty rituals of standing, sitting without meaning. It is important for me to comfortable and be myself in the Presence of the Lord. The adoration room is a place of immaculate peace. I close my eyes and get myself into prayer mode.

In the beginning of my time spent in the adoration room, i always wondered where the Lord was. Is he real? If he is real, where is he? No, i couldn't see anybody. He doesn't talk to me. Well, think of the Lord as a person. In the beginning of a relationship with somebody new, you would be an acquaintance to Him. But as you spend time more and more with a friend, your rapport with him/her improves and that friend tells you a lot of his feelings and he will appreciate your presence with presents/gifts. So it is like this with the Lord, He is a Friend. The more time you spend with him, the closer you are with Him and he starts to grant you Gifts of the Holy Spirit. 

Like coffee, i was a raw bean, i was then roasted undergoing changes in my mind, body and spirit which made me a good cup of coffee. I am calmer now, better able to distinguish right and wrong, and able to handle relationships and distractions. Best of all, i am able to put my life in perspective. I am a good person with a good heart. 

So when my mom attacked me with her anger and slandering two days ago, i stayed cool and listen. I don't feel the need to retaliate. She nails me, i listen. Prayer has brought me a nirvana of patience and peace. My mum was flushed after her slandering. I think she felt powerful slandering. But what she didn't realise is that she has destroyed a relationship with me. 

Slandering is destructive. 

Anyway, my mom is not thinking right. 

As with what Fr Kenny says, prayer life is important. Ditto. 

Sunday Catholics think that prayer is like this. 

"Ok, i think i am in church, i have something to pray about. I will just tell God about it. I won't have to read the Bible since no one in the congregation is reading it. Five minutes is all i need to pray at Mass. No, 5 minutes is all i need to talk to God"

This is the brand of spirituality good sunday catholics have. This is was the brand of spirituality i once had. 

Now, my face glows and i am happier.

Tonight, mom is going to slap my face. I don't fear. I allow her to do so. It is her sin i am dying for. So like Christ, I will be persecuted and mocked for by other people's sin. I will go to her and i will her to slap me. She may use a bamboo cane to hit me. But then go ahead. She may do that, because it is by her sin, i am dying for her. That's Christ dying on the cross for people's sin of adultery and fornication. I am willing to take it because i love her.  

Anyway, if she wants to chop me with a knife. Go ahead. She is killing a neighbour. God will judge her. Christians are never scared of death. In fact, i want to go home early. If she kills me, she goes to jail. So what is the point? I don't mind being a martyr. Then her claim of herself being a good buddhist is futile. She is not even there.

Now, it is time to suffer for my studies. Get back to hard work.

 
There are many pretty women around. Among the pretty ones are also the ones with sour tempers. So beautiful from the outside, but when they get angry and start throwing their temper around, they become ugly witches with their slandering. They destroy themselves at the end of the day.

I have two witches in my little abode. It is the ugliest side of them, especially when they start spewing unfeminine profane words. 

 
Daniel is right. Love is a decision, not a feeling. 

We can enter a relationship not feeling attracted to that person in the beginning, but if give a ourselves to self-give to one another, tender feelings of affection can flow. It is about the attitude to say "Yes" to this person (no matter how unlikely the union) and making a decision to WANT to love, followed by self-sacrificing actions to give fully of yourself to the other, for better or for worse. 

Yes, that's right, for better for worse. Let me repeat, for better or for worse. For better or for worse. For better or for worse.

As humans, we definitely will want to embrace the better side of couplehood, but have you ever looked at your spouse/ mate, thinking about the worst that can happen to this person (such like disabilities, sickness, accidents, so on), yet have the passion to love unconditionally? Are you mentally prepared to suffer for this person who made you happy in the beginning, but now have no longer the ability to do so. You are caught with this cross, this burden to care for this person who can't give you affection anymore. You are a slave to this burden. Will you take up the courage to suffer or irresponsibly abandon him/her to the hands of another? 

Now, if you are in a relationship, I want you to do this activity.

Think your mate sitting in a wheelchair, he/she is staring blankly at you, face disfigured, limbs torn apart. This person is a total change of who you know in the beginning of the relationship. The handsome/beautiful person you know is now an ugly duckling.

Now, for couples who are dating, i want you to picture your mate, are you prepared to suffer for this person in this state of desperation? Have you ever imagined the consequence of the pains and hardship you are going to face for this person? If love is Cloud Nine feeling to you only, i urge to open your eyes to reality - the reality of suffering. If suffering chickens you out to love a person in the worst times, please never think of getting married or even get yourself in a relationship. Being lovey dovey for the sake seeking happiness is one of the worst reasons to make a lifetime commitment in marriage.

If you can't picture yourself to have the strength/courage to suffer for your mate in the worst times, honestly, you are not mature enough for a relationship. It is time to further reflect the reasonability of why you are ever in a relationship with someone at all. In fact, you should never be in relationship if you think it will be perfect romance throughout with your mate. It is false. 

Think. Be realistic. Don't be caught in the la-la land of cloud nine relationships - it only leads to nowhere. 

 "I am happy that you have relationships set with your family and friends from your church community. You are very fortunate. Some students come to see me and don't even have that."

Church friends are SO important to me now. They keep me sane. I am not lonely, only fortunate to have so much company from loved ones. I appreciate them for allowing myself to be me. I am so thankful i have two daddies in church. 

Laughter is the best medicine to problems. No wonder sugar daddy and uncle nicholas love to joke so much in the bookshop with the bookshop ladies. Lightens the load. Phew!

Good company. Good friends. Good food. Good jokes. Good fun. Good happiness. Good God. What else to bargain for? I'm living in bliss. 

 
Sugar Daddy was chatting with me at the bookshop this morning. He offered me an advice telling me not to go too fast in the things i do - be it in my job or in relationships. 

Young people these days have a problem of entering a relationship and getting themselves burnt by beings too enthusiastic with the prospect of having someone to show them affection too early in the relationships. Putting this into an analogy, lets just think of a couple running a marathon. The couple who runs too fast in the start line will find themselves out of breath halfway round the finishing mark. Now, compare that to a couple who starts out slow, increases their speed of running gradually, finally sprinting towards the finishing mark with great jubilation. Hey, who has a better strategy? It is obvious.

Actually, i realise that best friends do make good lovers in the long run. We may shrug and say, "oh, he is just a long-time friend to me, it has never crossed my mind he is the one"

Couple relationships have a cycle. In the beginning, they have so much in common that they get so euphoric that they have someone who understands their life. So goes the common hobbies, food, music, dadada... Partners have their quirks and idiosyncrasies but their mate loved them all. Given time, relationships are put to the test as couples struggle to learn how to communicate their views, settle their differences and go through suffering together. At one point of their relationship, partners will go, "Oh how i wish i could have my freedom back and get away from these problems with so and so"

Being too enthusiastic too early in the relationship is dangerous because it gets couples into fits of fantasy and fairytales, and thus is a false revelation of what long-suffering and sacrificial love is all about.  Should the relationship not work out, the heart-break is too much to bear for either party. 

The Catholic church has so many programmes for singles, couples and married to learn about relationships and love. Choice (which i attended last month), Engaged encounter, Marriage Prep Course, Theology of the Body talks at Cana. These programmes are good because they teach others how to improve their relationships. These programmes speak about the truth of Love.

Being on Cloud nine destroyed me twice. I don't want to get to Cloud nine again because it is false love. 

Now, when i look for someone, he must be able to carry a huge cross behind his back with me. He must be able to take in life's suffering. I will chill in the beginning of the race, we will brace the pains of the race but when we cross the finishing line, i will bring great joy to the one i love with my overwhelming showers of affection. It will be extraordinary special. I am a gift of myself to him and for him. No one else.

I am a best friend in the beginning, a passionate lover in the end. Alpha and Omega. He won't be disappointed.